it was a moment.
maybe it was the shadows framing the trees. the twilight horizon, dotted by a few stars. maybe it was the streetlights flickering. it's a rush, like time travel: getting of the 2 line bus at 3am, the streets completely empty, the bitter cold stinging our skin, breath puffing out in smoke, light dim, bums sleeping in sheltered corners, a few taxis driving by.
sometimes you're a nuisance, like a mosquito bite. other times you're a strange flavor of sweet, like black licorice. most times you're nothing. i find myself skimming through your profiles now and again, when i'm waiting for a doctor's appointment or a student to arrive and i try to make myself care, try to remember you're human, you're out there somewhere, but it's fruitless. you have already been sealed, shipped and gone. but maybe it's the moment, the time and place, the freedom, the quiet simmer, the sense of belonging.
because at one point, i really, honest to god thought it was going to last forever. i wanted that winter to last forever. i thought it was always going to be your head between my legs, your hair i was going to pull, your tears i was going to dry. i'm delusional, and foolish like that. because for a split second, just maybe, i was in love. i waited with a baited breath each time i saw you texting me, even if i didn't text back. i thought about you during everything i did, every second of the day, you were there, like air and water, like oil on my hands. it was the warmest winter i've ever lived.
but i love adoring. and i love being worshiped. and i can't stand love. i can't stand the way it reeks like cigarette smoke on fingertips. i can't stand the way it clouds up my head. i hate it, i hate it, it's so much easier to worship. i could've never worshiped you. i've seen all of you, even the parts you chose not to show. i can tell when it's you that sends me those bitter anon messages. i can tell when you do something because of me, like setting up a tinder profile once you saw me talking about flor. because i've peeked into you and saw everything, whether you like it or not. i've seen you in tears, snot oozing out of your nose. i've seen you laugh so hard you couldn't breathe. drunk, sober, naked, clothed, writhing, crouched, jumping, pulling up your jeans, wrapping a scarf around your neck, i've seen you in nothing but your skin and i've heard you scream, sing, moan and everything else in between. it's scary to think about, isn't it?
the thing with flor is that it's not fleeting, like thunder. i've seen her at her ugliest, stupid and dumb over someone who broke her heart. i've seen her, timid, scared and seeking validation anywhere she can. yet the rosy haze is still there, the light is still bright, i still can't look at her straight on, for she is still the sun, and she tells me the truth, unapologetic and devoted, and she is still the sun.
maybe i finally have fallen in love. and i'm sorry you were part of the long list of people i've fractured, even if it was barely a scratch, just to find myself. but for the one moment, in the deepest night of the year, your hand warm in mine, i think i really was in love. even after seeing you at your worst, even after disgusting me, even after hurting me. i still chose to sleep with you, i still kissed you, i still sunk my fingers in you, i still thought about you every day, even after that. i'm learning, aren't i? maybe i really did love you. more than zoe, more than camila, more than gabriel. maybe i never saw them as people, only people to worship and worship me. but you were once of flesh and bone, in my head, even if it lasted a few hours, there, in the bleakest part of the city, the stars dim, the moon gone. even if it was just a second of a lifetime. you were real in my head.