a year and a month since i've met her.
i can't believe it myself. i can't believe that it's been a year since i saw her for the first time. she was wearing a white dress. she loves white as i love black. i thought she was straight. the first thing i said to her, drunk on beer, was that i liked her because she had brought the beer i drinking. she smiled, warm as daylight, even at 2AM. she smiled. smiled and talked back, in her thick accent, in english, and her dimples poked through and i was gone.
do you believe in love at first sight? she asked me. we're sleeping on the same bed, our friend snoring. she curls a strand of my hair around a single golden finger, her eyes half mast and skin glowing, soothed by the soft morning light. i told her i didn't know. but i'm pretty sure that my heart plunged that january night when i slept curled up so close to her, so warm, under the same cover, giggling like children.
"you make my heart young" i've heard lots of times, but didn't understand until now. it's not the quality of being a child, in that sexual way i so like-no. it's this feeling of, belonging? of freedom in having somewhere to lean on after life gets too scary. it's the knowledge that someone's there to hold your hand when you're too lost for your own good. it's the thought of having someone there. it's the feeling of being marveled at every little thing as if you were a child again- the crinkle of her eyes, the glow of her golden hair, the soothe timbre of her voice, the softness of her words. every movement destroys my mind and builds it up again. i want to give her the world, yet i can't and it makes my insides seize up thinking i'll never be able to give her all that she deserves, not even myself.
a tear escapes her eye. i wipe it away. i wipe each and every one away. she keeps crying, and i wipe them away. i count them, one, two, three, while counting her eyelashes, her freckles, and she looks at me and there is nowhere to run anymore. i can't hide any longer. i can't leave her ever again. i want to be that pillar for her, i want to be that comfort, i want her to build a home in me where she can sleep and dream and read to her heart's content. i want to be relied on, i want her to feel safe, i want to dry every single one of her tears, i want to make her feel loved. i want her.
baby i call you. baby, baby, and you smile. you're my baby, you're my girl.
we fog up the car's window. our breaths intermingle. i kiss you, one, two, three. i can't stop. i'm so hungry, you're like air, i'm drowning yet i need it. i wave goodbye. and you smile, you smile, even through the tears, eclipses and clouds, mist and fog, you still shine, you still glow, you still smile.
i want to keep that smile. catch it and hold it and nurture it deep in me to keep me alive, to keep this frosted heart warm, to keep me awake.