i think i'm dying
i don't even know how to write what i feel anymore. i've been missing work an awfully lot. i can't talk to my internet friends or my real life friends at all. i don't want to fuck anyone. i don't see the point in anything i do. i'm drunk every day of the week. i live on coffee and cigarettes because i've lost the taste for food. i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't see the point. i don't see the point. i don't have a reason to. there's nothing left. i either feel this strange sense of vacancy or i'm ripping my arms and sobbing alone to the sound of my own breathing. there's nowhere for me to cut now. there's no space. who would want to fuck me like this? red lines etched all over my body like i've been possessed. maybe i am. it would make a lot more sense
and i was doing so well, i was doing so well, what happened? maybe i wasn't doing so well. maybe i was just burying it down with warm bodies and half hearted friendships and a fake sense of peace. nothing is good anymore. nothing feels good anymore. i spend my days living in my head because i can't find the point in doing anything anymore. i took so many decisions and now they're eating me up and i don't want it
i don't want to be close to anyone, you know? because i started imagining my own funeral. there, passing out on the bathroom floor, the sleeves of my shirt soaked, the taste of wine so strong in my mouth i couldn't stand myself. who would go? my family, of course. not my sister. what would that do to my sister? i could never do that to my sister but what's better, then? to see me slowly fade out and dim like an ember, or to keep the memory of me as fresh and alive as i can? my parents, and my best friends, my high school classmates, the friends i made along the way, internet and uni alike. any of my former lovers? gabriel probably. zoe wouldn't come all the way from germany, but what would that do to her, i wonder. who saved me when no one else could. and sol, wouldn't even consider coming, or maybe would she stop by to spit on my corpse? i wouldn't expect anything else considering she hates me so bad. my students? maybe the ones who i'm dear to.
too many people. the voice in my head tells me that i wouldn't hurt anyone but reason tells me otherwise and who do i listen to? because i'm a ghost to everyone already, what difference would it make? a little less guilt? one restless night less? would anyone cry at night over me? maybe for a few months, but i'm
already a ghost and i've left nothing to the world and what point is there to living if i'm living like this?
i don't even know what i'm writing anymore but i'm such an inconvenience to everyone i should just leave