i let her go.
i don't know if it was for the best or not. we're friends now, we speak now and then. i can tell she's hurt. we weren't even something, but it hurt like we were. i always end up hurting someone. i guess that's just my fate.
i'm just tired, i guess. i've been in relationships ever since i'm 14. once i break up with someone, after a few months i end up being with someone else and having unhealthy sex between that trying to make up for my low self worth. i end up cheating on whoever i'm with and most times they don't even know it. they always end up feeling more for me than what i feel for them and it sucks. it makes me feel guilty and disgusting and i hate using people like that. i feel like maybe i'm just not cut out for relationships. i don't know if i've ever truly fallen in love and that scares me to death. is there something wrong with me? gabriel was a best friend more than a lover. cami was my ideal, everything i considered beautiful but superficially so. zoe was my fascination, i feel like i never really saw her for what she was more than what i wanted her to be. sol was my convalescent, someone i tried to protect and help and only ended up hurting since i never really saw her for who she truly was either.
i just don't understand. i love my friends so deeply. every time i'm with lucas or cami i'm elevated, i am nothing but kind, i give them everything, i do everything and anything i can for them. i love music so deeply, i love foreign places so deeply. but every time i try to be with someone, i only end up using them for my own good, filling in the gaps that are more like landfills with their love and attention, taking and taking more than i should. i only let them down. i only end up hurting them! i don't understand what's wrong with me. even with sol i had the best intentions- i saw how lonely she was, how badly she needed a friend, someone for her to tell her worries and insecurities and look at how sorely i hurt her. no matter how pure my intentions are, i always end up fucking everything up. despite my wishes, i thought that maybe if i could keep her from killing herself, i could relieve some of the guilt i feel every waking moment from mati's own suicide. but you see? that's my own shit.
i love their carcasses, but can't deal with their hearts. i feel like it's too much. i shut myself out because it hurts too much. i just need their love. i don't want to love them. it's too much. i can't deal with it. i'm terrible.
i'm not cut out for it. and no one deserves to go through that bullshit. and i'm proud of myself for severing the ties before i ended up hurting her - when she only has the purest intentions as well. seeing her curled up like that and clutching my chest, waiting for an answer, it did shit to me. i'm not going to make someone go through that again. i'm not worthy of the love someone as brilliant as her has to offer - but i do know that i'm a good friend, one of the best, and that's the best i can offer her now, even if she doesn't understand it yet.