i believe that around this time was when i stayed the night for the first time.
my phone had been stolen and i was so upset. nothing comes easy to me; i have to work every penny to buy the things that i need, and all of the sudden months of hard work were gone. you were so worried, trying to hold my hand, calming me down, looking at me with puppy eyes because you didn't know what to do. it was the first time you met cami. we had a beer before going in. it had rained and all the lights were mirrored on the pavement like el salar de uyuni. it was a bit cold. a girl had told her friend that she really liked how i was dressed  that night and it made me happy.
you were so worried. i took a few film pictures that i still keep with me. you called your mom and started explaining over the phone what had happened, trying to convince her to let me stay. secretly i thought that despite how much i busted my ass for it, i preferred things like it was at that moment. i thanked fate for letting that happen so i could seize the chance to sleep by your side.
was it the first time i say your apartment? i don't know. mia didn't like me at first. she barked for hours and you told her to shut up every time. your mother must've been so uncomfortable, but she took it all lot better than mine did.
and then we slept. i don't know if we fucked. i don't remember anymore. i don't know if i was too distressed or if i just went along with it. but i remember that your bed was very warm, and it smelled like you, and you were very soft, and for the first time in my life i was the big spoon. i think your mom set up a bed for us and you still had your old door so when we woke up you were nervous about your family members peeping in and seeing us sleeping in the same bed! oh, the horror.
that day is such a haze now. i thought i'd always remember it. you are a haze. i can barely remember what you even sound like anymore. i can't remember your laugh. what did we talk about? i do remember you were a handful sometimes, though. what did we do? i don't remember anymore. i do remember that you liked stroking my hair a lot, and my legs, and you liked biting my neck a lot, something i don't let people do to me anymore.
i used to regret us so much thinking that i deserved better after the way you've treated me following our break up but what happened, happened. what's done is done. though i wish i had a delete button inserted into my brain so i could delete everything, both the good and bad, i just have to accept the fact that it all happened. it used to make my stomach turn into knots but honestly, now there's not much to say anymore. i don't care about having your stuff around. i don't mind you reading me. it's okay if you still hate me. all of that is in the past, and there's nothing i can do to change it. it's just funny to me how a year ago my life was so fucking different than it is now (and how radically different my life has been over the years ever since i turned 17)