she smelled like strawberries.
but she tasted like flesh. i was starving. hadn't eaten anything since 11am. i work a lot and i prefer to use the money on clothing rather than nourishment. silly me.
a dyed blonde. hazel eyes, wisps of green in them. told me i was her second girl. made me cum a few times and my legs still burn. kind of vanilla considering the people i've been fucking this year.
but what strikes me as strange is that she's literally everything i want out of a girl. she's beautiful. she's smart, and mentally just as mature as i am. she's quick and clever, mind and hands and all, and she's sweet. doesn't really seem to have any mambos. i can tell when they do. and she seems like she cares. she reminds of flor, in a way. but darker. with a bit more of a spark.
how are you?
i'm fine.
how tall are you?
hey kiara...
hi!!
hey.
are you okay?
i've had a lot of chances to be in another relationship, girls and boys alike. i've reached the spot right, just right before feeling something with a few; kinda like chasing after the tide so it almost, just almost reaches your toes but then you run off to the dry shore again. and i've been doing this for months. i have no idea. even when i was with sol and talking to lupe and lola i was doing it.
i'm tired of it. i don't know what's wrong with me. what's wrong with me? here i have a girl who's a literal firecracker and yet i find myself not responding to her texts for hours. she crawls over all the other boring conversations i'm having with other people and demands attention with her sharp answers and gripping questions but there's just...nothing in me. i think she knows i'm not like this. and that's why she sticks around, looms over me like a shadow. but in a nice way. i like it.
what i don't like is me. i don't like how i'm dealing with people lately. well, this has been going on for quite some time and i always thought that it would solve itself but of course it's never this easy. it never has been for me.
i need closure. i need closure with zoe. and though it will hurt me more than ripping my eyes out, i have to cut ties with her and just completely delete her from my life. like i've done with sol and gabriel. i just can't fucking understand why i don't do it with her.
it's just. oh god great! i'm crying now. i've never felt so at home with myself than being by her side. there's just something about our dynamic, something there that i don't think i'll ever have with anyone else. she had the wits. she had the beauty. but there was something else underneath all that. this kind of understanding that only truly broken people have. and she understood me so well, god, jesus fuck did she take my pain and turn it on its head with just her soft little smile and her nimble hands. this way of looking at me without pity, without fear, without patronizing me, she just simply listened. listened, because she wanted to, because she loved me, because she really was thinking of me. most people will misinterpret her actions as bitchy, almost mean, and kind of scary, me included. but it's not like that. she just doesn't like wasting her time. and she made every minute count. she doesn't waste energy on unnecessary things. she isn't very emotional, or expressive. that's why when she smiled it was just that much more beautiful and amazing. and when her eyes were brimming with tears it's when you know that at that very moment god, you really fucked up.
i never felt so understood as when i was with her. and it was so beautiful, to just feel like for once someone actually gets it. this absolutely wonderful kind of peace that i've never felt before. and i don't want to lose that, i would rather die.

i guess i have to die for you one last time. but it's better this way. because i don't want to be closed up to other people anymore. i want to feel love for other people again.
i can't believe that i'm dying for you yet again