being you must be lonely.
you're so scared. you coop yourself up in that room and give your love to men you'll never meet. you writhe with bitterness over things that happened in the past and let it consume your time and energy. it takes years for you to move on. you can't find the reason to the things that you do. you only see your friends when it's to get together to walk around merch stands with the same faces plastered over them like factory molds.

that's why i can't hate you. that's why i still love you like the very first day. i don't pity you either. i just know where all your hatred for me comes from. you're too young and you've been through far too little to be able to conceptualize the fact that there's no right or wrong. juliana wasn't the villain. i am not the villain. debora wasn't the villain either, or milagros. we are people. we make mistakes. just like you when wished me stds, or told me i was a 6, or lashed out at me when your frustration at life was swallowing you whole.

we are not our mistakes. we are how we choose to deal with those mistakes after we made them. we are how we deal with other people's mistakes after they've made them. you don't surprise me when you text back resentfully, trying to seem apathetic when 9 months of being with you has taught me that you're anything but that. of course you're going to hold onto that hatred, to that loathing, because it's what you feel when you see yourself in the mirror, when you imagine how other people see you. you love those men, and those characters, not merely because they are talented, or well made; you can only love concepts, you can only love ideas. you never loved me. i think that in the end you never even knew me. you loved the idea of me, whatever that was.
i still think you have to go through something horrible or life changing for your own sake. to make you realize that this is your body, this is your life, and you're surrounded by a terribly, terribly wonderful family who supports you in every possible way, that you have the potential to make a lot of good friends in real life, and that the only one who's keeping you from letting go of that hatred and self loathing is yourself.