what agony is

the day before it happened i cried myself to sleep

thinking about how lonely matias was when he died

the day after i cried myself to sleep

thinking about how lonely i was

how lonely i am

how lonely i would still be if i died

how i understood him so much now

how badly i wanted to sleep

the tears are rolling fat and hot from my cheeks right now

they fall on my keyboard

my sister’s friends are screaming out in the backyard

and after two years

i still feel so, so alone

i'm surrounded by people who love me

i have the best friends in the world

people who are worried for my health

my family 

but there's always the feeling

of us and them

they will never know what it is to really hurt

and i want to die 

keep it in and buckle up i got to get to iceland

but i still want to die so bad

it doesn't matter how good i get it 

fucking people isn't the same anymore

i always see him creeping up some corner

always see his face when i'm alone in an elevator with a man

always feel his hands when i'm at a dance club

always hear his sneers when someone says they love me

how can anyone love me?

i'm a ghost, a shell, i have nothing to offer 

lifeless eyes pale skin half hearted i love yous

too fucked over and beaten up and fake, crafted and cunning

just barely surviving, not really living

how could anyone love me

when i have nothing to give?