we invest. creatures of capitalism, of neoliberalism, we invest, we put in effort, thinking it will reap in the end. the stock will go up, the demand will rise, i put in 5 cents and i'll get 50 bucks.

but what if you put in 50 bucks and get only 5 cents? going downtown during the hot summer months, passive aggressiveness and suffocating jealousy, self-centrism, you think i only look at all the negative things, that you can't do anything right? imagine 9, almost 10 months of that. time and time again you keep telling me that you'll change, that things will change, that you won't react a certain way again, that you'll think before you talk next time. only one thing bothers me, only one person gets under my skin when i think of that person being around you, and do you care?

this close. this close to calling her up. this close to doing it just to eventually in your face, fucking her tanned skin and seeing her green eyes half-mast, have her blonde locks wrapped around my knuckles and god, i'm so tempted. to move you, to make you see, to wake you the fuck up because you can't keep people with tears and flowers, you keep people by keeping your promises and honoring mutual respect.

what am i supposed to do, huh? did you really think this wouldn't drive me up the wall? did it really surprise you when i asked for space, when i asked to see other people? it's draining, to invest, constantly invest, and just getting five cents. even if the coin is golden, and gleaming and pure, it's just 5 cents, and i worked hard for those 50 bucks. it was a sacrifice to invest them, and go hungry during months because i kept thinking hey, any moment now i'll get $100, maybe $150? something bigger? a goal? a future?

it's so hard being with someone selfish. i should know, because i deal with my own selfishness every day, and try so hard to better myself. to do something. to be better than i was yesterday and not let myself go to waste because god, how easy, how good would that feel, to just sit and rot.

i don't know if i can keep investing, honestly. i don't know if it makes sense, if all i get are 5 cents.