And now a few tears escaped because a little girl who didn't even get to add the "teen" to her age hung herself and everything kept rushing back to me because of the way, please understand, the way she did it, and I can remember it the rush of a rope against my neck as I kept thinking that I would see him again, I wouldn't burn or tear anymore only float, my toes above the ground like a feather caught against the current of a stream, and I wouldn't feel anyone's hands on me anymore no one's fist against my back, never feel anyone's tears soaking my shoulders, never feel the emptiness of my room, never be voiceless again and I would never have to to go to a funeral ever again except for my own

and I suck in air like drinking from a straw like my music teacher taught me, breathe in, breathe with your diaphragm and I turn on Sigur Ros and I scream out in icelandic to try and not cry and my mother beats against the door but she only knows half the story doesn't she, she thinks I'm scared of men because of my one relationship that lasted my entire adolescence but the shame still engulfs me like bath water when all I see is the waves of the bathroom lights, tides in front of my eyes in blues and whites and the beat of my heart thumping in my ears like a shrill snare drum about to reach its peak and there is nothing but the thought of how beautiful must it be to fill my pockets with stones and die like this, the complete peace of the bubbles above your head being surrounded by nothing except water and your own inner music, your body its own vessel pulsing slowly until there is no more and my eyelashes will becoming dust particles and my legs will turn into sea horses my heart into a school of dragonets and they will beat with my music and there'll be no money or sad faces or shades of grey

but I am patient and I am strong and have learned the meaning of living through searing heat and bright smiles and naked shoulders and that place where time does not exist when the mountains kiss the sky, I am persistent and after a burn there is release, after tears there is silence so I will lather makeup on my face and plaster a grin on my round cheeks and I will be brave for you because you know I don't break my promises that easily