it's almost 1am and i'm on my fourth shot, it's warm and the taste in my mouth is bitter, i haven't showered in 3 days until just now because i couldn't find the strength to get out of my room except to take care of my mom, i'm clean and i smell as i always do and i'm a delight now my flesh is soft and ripe and my hair smells like jasmines and my eyes are brimming with tears and how the hell am i supposed to do anything tomorrow like this, i'm useless like this, i lied to my bosses saying my grandma died but it's a goddamn lie and the worst part is that i feel like my grandma died,  i haven't felt this bad since december last year when i had to give a grammar final with zoe's eyes piercing the crook of my neck and her eyes a fine english blade as they thickly pierced the tough skin i had grown from months of seeing her again and again after she left me, and there's nothing that hurt more, and now sol has told me she loved me back and i don't know if i really believe her, i find it hard believing that because i feel like she's obligated to say it after i said it, and i'm useless she'll realize this sooner or later, i am being swallowed whole by this gaping monster, by this girl i lock who i have written poems and poems about and never let out into the light, because this girl i have is the one who is just about to click on the flight to new york 3 months too early, who wants to learn how to drive to leave everyone and never look back again as i always have, i grew up with practically no family, practically no friends they always moved away to revere or puerto rico and left me alone, this isn't a sob story this is my life and it's in my hands to change it but i don't have the will, he took it, she took it, life took it, they all took it and i am barely clinging onto the stem that keeps me onto the tree branch but it's only a matter of time until the gusts come back and it's my fifth shot and i'm listening to galileo galilei and still trying to be productive but it's not use there's nothing for me to give