I showed her your music the other day.
I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know if she would like it or not, if she would get bored of it or she would fake interest just to ease my anxiousness.
But she told me she cried, listening to it. That is was very beautiful. And I explained, I explained how it was the last song you heard on this earth, that you put in on repeat, how the lyrics where a cry for help that I was too blind to notice.
And she asked me if it would bother me if she could download the songs, since it was something so "mine" and god no. It's not mine anymore. It was a trick of fate that I stumbled on that band, and felt it so mine that I only showed it to so little people, because it brought us together. It was the dearest coincidences I've had so far, almost as if I was destined to discover their music so it could've given you a small measure of peace. And I don't even believe in destiny, but some things are too spot on, too well thought out, just like the fact that the boy you're in love with is in a relationship with a boy no (it could've been you). It's my last small, transparent thread that ties me up to you, that reminds me how lovely it is to be alive because I get to meet people as beautiful as you, as her.
There's still so many things caught up in my throat so I write letters on paper. Letters like "I met someone like me today, you would've liked him a lot! He's watched 210 animes" or "Sol's favorite character was River Song, remember when you would utter "spoilers" and I didn't understand because I hadn't watched Doctor Who yet?" or "Today I listened to Sigur Ros all day and couldn't stop thinking about you".
Remember that time we went to Palermo? I had just turned 16, and walking along Santa Fe we saw a couple of two young men holding hands and your face was so full of longing, your very energy seemed to go up in flames. "That'll be you, soon" I whispered and you smiled ever so slightly, your eyes clouded over in dream-like yearning.
And now it's me with her along the street and I'm too scared to hold her hand, too scared to admit what I am, but what if someone like you sees us holding hands, and being happy, and we give them a chance to see what life can be like if they hold on a little longer? I have to be brave. She is so brave already and she's younger than me. I'd be a fool if I didn't admit she's wiser than Zoe and I combined. Her contradictions somehow melt together and she sometimes says things that a wise beyond her years and I'm very afraid I'll lose her just like I'll lose you. She's also lost in the middle of the sea and she doesn't tell anyone about it, not even the people her family pays to help her. And I can't be her compass no matter how much I want to protect her from that fate because it's not my place and I can't help her in that way. She needs to seek help, she needs to talk about it, and I hope that she does soon.
It's so horrible, Mati, please take these feelings out of me and crush them. I hate feeling like this. Caring so much over something so easily shatterable. But no, she's strong. She's very strong. Just the sickness in her is too overwhelming, what if it's too overwhelming? What ifs are horrible. Uncertainty is so horrible and I overthink thing so much sometimes but I'm trying not to. For once I'll try to stop living in the past, to stop seeing myself as that slightly overweight preteen or that skin and bones 17 year old trying to rummage through her papers to find moments and memories I forgot. I'll try to stop yearning for bodies and voices that are no longer mine to listen to. Why should I anymore? There are new stories I can hear, not more beautiful, just different, and new problems I can help with; not more troublesome, just different yet again. Just keep walking, keep moving, keep looking to the dawn