I'm trying not to cry I'm trying not to puke I'm trying to not scratch my arms in protest I'm trying not to shake I'm trying to be strong because I am strong and this isn't my fault and I thought that after you did that to me you wouldn't show your face around again but you are and he doesn't know and of course it's not his fault but hearing your voice in the background and you knowing that is was probably me so you made your laugh more boisterous and pronounced and I could just feel your thick sweaty disgusting hands wrapping themselves around the nape of my neck like you did back then and for a second I couldn't breathe because for that second my face was against a pillow and someone is pulling my hair and punching my back and I can' t brhe and ev rything is getting blurry from my tears and this shouldn't be happening why do i feel guilty and filthy because i probably am i slept around far too much that was probably bound to happen right i should've had it coming right? and there's no other way for me to express this because everyone is sleeping or unknowing and i want to keep it that way because of the shame and the sweat and the sneers and the fear