I'm very tired and I just found a few old letters from my ex boyfriend and can't believe anyone ever though those things about me and back then it made me feel so amazing because look at these amazing things that this boy thought about me? Like I was beautiful and that I was the best thing that's ever happened in his life, and then I remember that he was 16 and I was 14 and what the hell did we know about what's beautiful and what's not but you know what? I'm now 19 and I'm still having trouble answering those kind of questions and there's a liquor I bought yesterday that's waiting for me underneath my bed and I was going to save it for going out with my friends but I decided not to go for some reason and then I realized that having my voice back didn't mean my problems were solved because I still don't talk about what I feel out loud and I'm still afraid of going out at night without a boy who's my friend and will take care of me and I still have trouble trying to trust people but I want to and I really want to and I really want to feel better and I wish I could write real, actual things not word vomit whenever I feel like this, whenever I feel like a hot soft drink without gas or a cigarette left on the street to burn. And the worst part is that I've been happy for these past few days but then suddenly I get tired like this, I get tired and I need to be alone with my thoughts for a while because I think so much about what other people need and want and how they feel and how they've been doing and if they're having fun and if they're learning this new English verb or if they've talked to their therapist that sometimes I just have to just take a second to actually do nothing for once and think about the fact that I haven't written something worthy in like a year and that I haven't taken a decent picture in months and how my mood depends on if someone thinks I'm pretty or not and that it's been half a year since I've touched my cello fret and how I'm just losing myself and all that I've wanted to daily life and that's terrifying and I wasn't always like this I wasn't always this reclusive and this sad and this tired I used to be just shy never this closed up and look what they've done to me but even worse look what I've done to myself because this is my fault