My throat kept closing up. I felt this horrible weight right in the center of my chest, as if I had chromium pressed up against my torso and my blood had quite suddenly turned into lead. I couldn't move my hands. There was a very dull ringing in my ears. My eyes were completely sewn unto the sight the car window offered me. We were a few streets away. We would pass through your street. The trees were green, green, greener than I remembered, framed against the cloudy sky. Of course they were green. My memories of that place have faded, and not naturally; I have willed them to fade, all on my own, with my own steady, daily dedication. And it has payed off. There might be a small trinket, a rogue photo on my laptop's memory, or a sudden pang of loneliness, and I feel nothing. I move on. I fill it with other things. Like fictional characters and stale coffee and a pack of cigarettes a week and small chat and sleeping around with people who I never see again.
But it was too vivid. Too vivid, the imagery of your hands in mine, how sweaty they would be this time of year.
We were feet away. My grandmother kept asking me why I was so silent. I lost my voice.
I could see myself, walking in my short grey school skirt, bouncing slightly and hungry for lunch. My backpack covered in anime pins, my cheeks colorful just imagining us taking a nap together after eating. My hair only long enough to touch my bosom, not nearly as long as it is now.
And there I saw it. Your door. You don't even live there anymore. But it was still your door. The door you opened every time I would sneak out of your house with you. Where I would leave from some awkward family birthday which I would go to just to be with you for a while longer, and my dad would be there, impatiently waiting in the car. Where I would knock three times since your doorbell didn't work very well, and you would tread very lightly and open the door very softly because your mother was probably taking a nap.
We were so young. And I felt so old then. Ancient, like I was stepping through forbidden territory, as if this was some kind of time warp and I couldn't be there, since it would be contradictory, two me's in one same place? That could only happen in science fiction programs of a guy named Doctor and a woman named Rose. I couldn't be there. I had to get out, please abuela hurry up speed up we're almost there we have to go can't you see me? I'm standing right there, right next to that tanned skin boy, will someone tell me to leave, leave while I still can, I'm not in love with him, someone please tell me that I'm not in love, brother? Friend? I don't even know anymore, see that's why, you don't listen to me, you never listened to me, you always wanted me to be like this, I can't have kids sweetheart I need to see the world, don't you want to see the world with me? What do you mean you want me to move in? I'm 18 I need to go to Australia what are you talking about, look the sauce is burning can't we do anything right, your mother hates me, que me queres decir con eso, adonde vas?What do you mean I'm in love with her, I love you can't you see? The sex isn't the same anymore maybe we should do something else, I'm graduating soon and we won't see each other do you still love me? You never write about me anymore or about us you only read, you barely read remember when you used to read books like I did I'm leaving for New York soon I guess we won't see each other I have to leave for the airport at 6 what do you mean you think I like women that's ridiculo-
We reached Avenida de Mayo, and I'm me again. And I won't admit I was hoping you might've poked your head out of your door and waved hi.
It's been over a year.POSTED BY little girl blue ON Monday, January 19, 2015 @ 8:07 PM
