I'm finding it really hard to keep my eyes open lately. Even now, as I write, my lids fall heavily on themselves, searching for closure. I'm starting to get slightly annoyed with my boyfriend because he won't show up so he can eat and I can sleep.
I feel tired all the time lately. And I never find energy to study things I used to study all the time. Maybe it's because of this house, which is so cozy, and just so...sleepy, with it's bread and good food and big rooms. I'm always out of the house now, going from here to there: the conservatory, interviews, projects, Cami's house, Gabriel's house, everywhere. Sometimes I come home at 9, all by myself, in the shadows of an old hospital. I'm not afraid, as my mother is. Maybe I should be, but for her sakes, I tell her a teacher brings me. By the time I get home, my mind wanders and all I can seem to do is play internet games, read the Silmarillion and take steamy baths to clear my mind.
Things are just throwing themselves at me and I don't know how to take them. My parent's posible split, my boyfriend's new adult life, studying and preparing myself for the real world...
All I really want is to just go away. To gather a little pouch of money and just head out, and see the world any way I can, not relying on luxury cruises but on my own two legs, hopefully I might get a tan from the peruvian sun. Just a book, a tent, my ukulele, some money, a film camera, my lover and leave it all behind. We'll be hungry, we'll be tired, but we won't be weary.
That's how I feel. Weary. My spirit is weary, it has been for many years now. My friends and my lover barely keep the flame alive. Weary of people's melodrama and selfishness. Weary of the same places and the same feelings and the same colors and the same tastes. Weary of the same music and the same dances. Weary of my family's attitudes and disdain. I am weary.
But no, I can't leave. I need a good education, I need to start a life, I need to get a job, and study a career...do I? Right now? Do I have to right now?POSTED BY little girl blue ON Monday, July 8, 2013 @ 9:27 PM
