It's amazing but, just, I don't know, I grasp time so easily. I can read something as old as two years, when a certain couple started dating, or when I was friends with somebody, and instantly, I go back; I can see every living detail and feel every feeling that I felt in that moment just as I can now, plain and my hands typing in front of me. I see myself, pale, a little thinner, a little shyer, I can feel the jealousy, I can feel the simplicity, and I can work myself up around every thing that has changed through the people I met; even if it's just a freckle. I remember places. I can see those people in front of me, just like they were back then. And somehow, I feel so old when I go through this. Maybe it's because I've lived though so much, that I'm scared that it might go away, that it was all some kind of dream, or that I might forget something that used to make me so happy. I remember, the months before I moved to Argentina, I wrote everyhing on this little pink notebook. And I read through it, and I can feel the warm nights, the cold, freezing snow, the freckles on my best friends, riding through my bike.
I remember, so well. The night we got together, the night we betrothed, the night we became one with our bodies. I remember the violet sky, strangely warm in an August night, when it should be freezing. I remember my awkwardness, my need for your attention, the gust of warm smoke from my friend's cigarettes back when I haven't even touched one in my life. I remember, I remember the first time I didn't cry, when I was a child, and I knew that you had to suck it up if you didn't wan't to get teased on; that was when my mind just clicked; I sobered up, it seemed, like at that instant I had left the little girl I used to be, though my knee was covered in blood. I remember, so well, my first cut, the first shrill of harming myself, the first time I made myself throw up to look pretty. I remember when couples got together, promising things that never happened, and then break up. I remember fireworks, and lots of lights, and big oak trees rustling in hazy wind; I remember deep turquoise water, and swimming in its embrace, like a blanket of sweetness covering my pale body.
I remember the summer days when we hadn't had as many problems as we do now. I remember your hurt when you saw my cuts, when you heard me in the bathroom. I remember walking through little streets when we were both so young and watching the sunset together back when grasslands still covered our local park, rich in it's deep tones of gold and pink. I remember, when I was sweeter, and more innocent, even though I did the things that I did. Even then, in my innocence, I still felt that time seeped through my hands, and I just wanted to hold it all back under lock in the chambers of my heart.
No
sta
lgi
a
ki
lls
me
up
in
side
.POSTED BY little girl blue ON Friday, April 19, 2013 @ 6:19 PM
